Dawn of the Unflankables

Chapter 4: Wheel Be Alright

Having saved Village Shitty, as well as taken anything of real value, our heroes are on the road. All but two cells have been removed from their battle wagon and replaced with a troll-bone table. They pick up a huge man on the side of the road who insists his name is Natasha. But things don’t stay peaceful for long… because NO ONE IS DRIVING THE WAGON!!!

After a sudden crash, our heroes find themselves in the middle of a field. Azagahl has been knocked unconscious, the oxen are missing, and the front wheels have fallen off into a hidden cavern. The heroes debate crafting some new wheels, but realize they have neither the materials, nor the oxen to make any real difference. Pinelemon drops a spoon into the hole and Natasha slides down a rope to see what’s down there. Five grimlocks meander about, blindly searching for the source of the sound of the spoon. The heroes leave Gill with the task of brewing them a potion, while Smugs stays watch, and they begin to climb down into the cavern. Unfortunately, Darksex’s shadow butler dropped 2 lbs of troll feces into the hole first, so one by one the heroes drop ungracefully into the pile of shit. Ryndir manages to land on his feet at least.

The heroes loudly engage in combat with the grimlocks and soon find that they’re a force to be reckoned with. But with determination, teamwork, and a little help from Smugs, the heroes are able to kill the horrible creatures. Undergnome takes his shitspoon back and the heroes set about looking for the wagon wheels.

One cavern leads down to an outcropping facing a beautiful underground waterfall. The heroes wash off the poo and find that a wheel landed on an outcropping below. Lemongrowth wastes no time and snags the wheel. The heroes pull him back up and it’s off to the other cavern. This one leads to a gravelly drop. Elmwood repels down and finds the second wheel. Unfortunately, he had dislodged some of the stone and black ooze began leaking down the side of the incline. But ooze-dodging is Grassberry’s middle name and he dances around the threat while Natasha pulls him up.

The heroes make their way back up to the surface, Ryndir, Darksex, and Natasha re-shitting themselves before climbing up. Gill surprises them with their potion, which isn’t a healing potion at all. Natasha discovers this by drinking it… and fireworks shoot out of his mouth.

The heroes track the missing oxen who didn’t really stray all that far. They cast a magical illusion of a sexy female ox which gains the others’ attention, but they’ve got to do some actual animal handling, ox-gassing, and rope-looping to get them back to the wagon. Having reattached them, they’re ready to find their path again.

Chapters 1, 2, & 3: Extended Pilot

Our adventure begins in front of a rather angular temple, in a clearing in the middle of a forest. A crew of five stands before the temple: a smug-looking man, tall and armed with a sword; a mustachioed gnome; an older man, clearly the leader; a pale dwarf, sporting a knot-top and fu-manchu; and a dreadlocked tiefling. None has been acquainted with the others, all hired by the older man.

They all enter the temple and find themselves in a vast entrance hall, lined with three sets of columns. Cautious to the point of recklessness, the tiefling (known by the name of Azaghal) lifts the gnome and throws him forward into the hall. Unfortunately for the gnome, as he flies level with the first set of columns, a blade fires lightning-fast from within one of the columns. Azaghal and the dwarf (known as Darksex the Ambiguous) work out that the columns are booby-trapped and that by throwing rocks in front of them, they can safely cross the hall.

The group descends down a staircase into another chamber. The walls on either side of them each hold a smoldering sconce made of twisted iron. The more immediate threat, however, lies with the several giant rats milling about in the room. The severely injured gnome hides in the corner, while Azaghal and the smug fellow (Smugs) fight the rats up close. The older man and Darksex back them up, flinging magic projectiles at their rodent enemies. The rats are easily dispatched and the adventuring party moves on.

The next chamber is quite small. The walls, however, are carved with intricate designs. Each wall depicts two figures holding orbs. The door before them also depicts a figure, but one of a giant goblin. The adventurers find that the orbs carved in the wall are actually large coins set into the stone. Once all four are removed from the wall, the door before them opens.

The five step into the newly discovered chamber, another vast hallway. Four statues have been carved, two on either side of the hall. Each statue is of a goblin warrior: one with a lone spear, one with a double-headed axe, one with a trident, and one with four arrows nocked into a longbow. At the far end of the hall sits a dais, with a small stone basin. It is this basin that the older man immediately approaches, the others receiving no explanation. Confusion quickly turns to wariness as the old man lifts a gem the color of amber from the basin and begins babbling in the goblin tongue.

Before the adventurers’ eyes, the old man is suddenly torn apart from the inside as a great spectral hobgoblin takes his place. Azaghal and Darksex quickly discover that beneath each of the statues is a circular coin-shaped hole. With the help of Darksex’s summoned shadow butler, they begin placing the coins they had picked up into the pedestals. But nothing seems to happen.

Meanwhile, Smugs has charged into the fray, landing blow after blow on the hobgoblin and taking little damage in return. To the adventurer’s horror, however, each time the hobgoblin is struck, a smaller spectral goblin materializes next to it. Desperate for a solution, Darksex gives an amazing pep talk to their frightened gnome compatriot. Now emboldened and armed with Darksex’s dagger, the gnome joins Smugs in battle with the hobgoblin.

Smugs finally takes a significant hit and backs off from his attacker. Darksex and Azaghal take this opportunity to deliver a few finishing blows to the hobgoblin. Defeated, the hobgoblin glows brightly before bursting into a cloud of a thousand tiny light particles.

Relieved, but a little dejected at their lack of payment, the group makes its way out of the chamber. As they reach the chamber with the sconces, Azaghal decides to take one. The sconce is warm to the touch and a voice in his head whispers, “Smite your enemieeees.” In a misguided attempt to get some answers, Azaghal brings the sconce down on Darksex’s head. As if a severe headache wasn’t enough, a fireball bursts from the tip of the sconce dealing Darksex a bout of fire damage as well. The sconce cools down and the smoldering ceases, but there are three more in the room. Azaghal quickly takes two more, while Darksex takes the last of them.

The four make their way out of the temple, but find themselves in a middle of a thick pink mist. It isn’t long before a sudden drowsiness overtakes them and they all black out.

Darksex and Azaghal wake up behind bars, their weapons nowhere in sight. Each is in their own small cell. They quickly realize they’re not alone. Four other captives are trapped in their own cells, though Smugs and their gnome compatriot appear to be missing. To the prisoners’ surprise, their cells seem to be inside a moving room as they feel the occasional jostle and bump beneath them. Azaghal wastes no time and rams the cell door loose from the poorly crafted hinges. He helps the other captives remove their doors as well. Along with Azaghal and Darksex, the captives include: Melsa, a gnome tinkerer, Gale, a spritely old potionsmaster, Cruger, a battle-scarred ranger, and Ryndir, an elven thief.

A peek out of the door in the room shows the group they are in a moving cart, followed closely by a second cart. Ryndir dashes out of the caravan and quickly climbs to the top. Within seconds, the two caravans slow to a halt and a group of angry captors quickly surround the cart. Mostly armed with swords and rappers, the slavers try to climb atop the caravan to dispatch Ryndir. Meanwhile, Melsa finds a crowbar and smashes the lock on the other door inside the caravan. Behind the door is a small closet, filled with each of the captives weapons and belongings. Now rearmed, Darksex summons his shadow butler to bring Ryndir his bow. One by one the escapees begin taking out their captives one by one. In the midst of the fray, the second wagon is set afire, which slowly begins to spread. A third, previously unseen cart holds a huge glass sphere filled with a swirling pink gas. One of the slavers begins filling small glass vials with the substance and throwing them at the adventurers; any unlucky to find themselves in the released gas begin to find themselves increasingly drowsy.

As slaver after slaver falls in combat, the escaped heroes see that one of their enemies has saved the captives from the burning caravan. He loads them on to the third wagon as they’re still chained together. Included in the group of chained captives is Smugs and the gnome from their earlier adventure. Hopelessly outnumbered, the final slaver removes the stopper from the great sphere of sleeping gas and runs off into the fields. As gas gushes from the sphere, the chained captives begin to fall asleep. Thinking quickly, Darksex gives his shadow butler a small bag of sand and sends it off to use it as the sphere’s new stopper. This works successfully and the newly freed adventurers can relax. Once the other folks wake up and wounds are tended to, they take control of the two remaining carts and drive them off towards the nearest town.

Fresh off a slaver-ass-kicking, our heroes arrive at Village Shitty, a tiny aptly-named town living in fear. After parking their new adventure wagon, they are escorted into the town by a wily gnome fighter named Lemonroot Underhill…or Pinegrass Underwood…

The gnome clues them in to the horrible truth – the town is being forced to pay a troll everything they’ve got in exchange for not being destroyed. Desperate for some fat stacks, our heroes march straight to the tavern to confront the town’s leader. Darksex announces their knowledge of the troll, and after some exchange of facts, the town leader is hopeful the heroes can help. However the heroes are like, “Nah, we can’t help. Bummer.”

But deep into the night, our heroes sneak out into the dark village. They fill a few glass vials with their newly acquired sleeping gas and climb to the top of the village shop. Darksex conjures his faithful shadow butler and sends him to ring the bell to summon the troll. Soon after the chime, the troll burrows up from the ground right at the front of town. It’s worse than everyone expected! It’s got three arms, two heads, and two pairs of troll-sized shades.

J.G. Wentworth, the troll, is furious at being summoned and starts pounding on homes. The heroes take turns passing gold coins to the invisible butler and piece-of-candy the troll back into the hole from whence he came. Sleeping gas fills the hole as the butler uncorks one of the vials. Azagahl and Lemonturf waste no time and hop into the hole, which is actually a tunnel, and still filled with gas. J.G. Wentworth, Azagahl, and Pinegnome stumble about drowsily in the hole swiping at each other; meanwhile, Darksex, Ryndir, and Smugs attack the troll from above. Smugs takes a few slashes, Gnomebrush gets walloped in the face, and with an epic show of teamwork, the heroes strike the troll down.

The troll corpse still smoldering from Darksex’s final eldritch blast, the heroes plunder all the gold from the troll’s lair, as well as various pieces of trash. The city is grateful even though they’re being swindled by our heroes and promise to help upgrade their hero-wagon.


I'm sorry, but we no longer support this web browser. Please upgrade your browser or install Chrome or Firefox to enjoy the full functionality of this site.